Scotland

Scotland certainly would be seen a few times if "A History of the World" was ever written. IT would be noted down for things such as whisky, Robert Burns and haggis. It would be noted down for the "auld" Scottish clans, William Wallace and the defiance against the English. But in modern times it would be noted down for its alcoholism, teenage mothers, obesity and knife crime.

Because I live in Scotland, and have done all my life, I don't know how our "bonnie wee" country s viewed around the world. I have been told in places such as America and Canada, Scots are treated as royalty. Is that really the case? Are our (ex) colonies still glad to see us when we get into JFK Airport with our kilts, sporrans and bagpipes?

Personally, I am part of a re-enactment group, who, for the Scottish side of things, historically educate our audiences on the rebellious Jacobite and government ordeal. I am told that audiences outside Scotland love the battles and Scottish Lore.

There is that fun loving side of Scotland but in modern day society, where does that all fit into the dark, damp west coast of Scotland? It doesn't. For Scotland today is contributing to the UK's record of "The most teenage mums in Europe". And if you were to collect all the cigarette butts in Scotland, you could probably bury Glasgow. Twice.

Scotland may be famous for its distilleries but thats just made a bunch of alcoholic toothless 40-somethings who are all on there second or third liver and will be lucky to make it past 59. Even though they have great grandchildren.

Scotland. Apparently the home of football. At least we can use that title to excuse our football team of today. Alas, we beat France recently (not that they're good anymore) and we managed to get a goal against current world champions, Spain, but then lost. We have a friendly against Brazil later this month, why don't they just hit every player in the squad between the legs with a rake? It has now become a comical joke in Scotland about our hopes of football. Just look at the SPL. Remember the Irn Bru advert during last year's World Cup? "Bruzil 2034"? It's a joke! And even when we rarely get into the World Cup we end up with Portugal, Argentina and Brazil.

And what is it with the Conservatives being able to rule us? We have one conservative constituency. At least the Scottish Government can overrule some Westminster legislation, and what a joke they are.

Scotland also has an obesity problem. Nice to know we're known for "Deep Fried Mars Bars".

Scotland does have decent heritage. Many men abroad who have Scottish ancestors wear kilts at special occasions. KoRn's lead singer, Jonathan Davis, famously wears a Kilt to his gigs for his Scottish ancestory. "Best small country in the world"? With the record I've just listed, too right!